I can't do this anymore
by deankaz
Summary: After losing Castiel, Dean feels as if a part of him left when Cas died. With his will to go on almost gone, he finds it hard to care about anything anymore and is willing to do just about anything for this nightmare to be over. -possible trigger warning-


_**Summary**__ – After losing his mother, father, and everyone close to him; Dean loses the one person he thought would always be there; Castiel. Without him here Dean feels as if a part of him is gone as well. With Dean's will to go on almost gone what will the hunter do?_

_**Rated**__ – __**T **__; minor language, alcohol, blood, death, and possible trigger warning._

_**Author's note **__– Due to the plot for this story Bobby is indeed alive. Enjoy._

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><p>Dean sat in the driver's seat of the impala that he had parked on the side of a dirt road, a bottle of Jack Daniel's in one hand and at least three empty bottles in the passenger's seat. He took a long swig from the bottle as he reached over to the radio turning up as Zeppelin's <em>Ramble On <em>came on. He sat there eyes shut listening to the music and trying to forget all the pain and anger that was filling up inside him. He took one last swig finishing off the bottle as he tossed it to the side with the others. His moment was cut short when his phone went off.

Opening his eyes he reached over grabbing his phone off the dash, knowing it could one of two people, Sam, or Bobby. Flipping it open he looked at the screen; _Bobby_, he shook his head and flipped his phone shut setting it back on the dash, as he reached for yet another bottle of Jack. Minutes after this his phone went off again. He picked it back up reading what it said.

_You have received 1 new message. Read now?_

_From: Sam_

_Date: 3/15_

_Time: 5:14pm_

_Dean, I'm not sure where you are, or what's going on, but I've told Bobby that you ran off. We haven't seen or heard from you in days. Bobby said he tried to call you and you didn't pick up. We are worried about you. At least call Bobby and let him know you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere. I've set out to come find you, so can you please let us know you are alright?_

Dean closed his phone and sat it back down before opening the new bottle and taking a few big gulps. He leaned his head back against the headrest and sighed. He had his car, his music, and his alcohol, yet it wasn't enough.

He thought about his brother's text and how he should call Bobby. He could hear Sam's voice echo in his mind. After a few minutes Dean picked his phone back up and dialed Bobby's number.

"_Hello?_"

"Bobby. It's Dean."

"_Dean. Where in the hell have you been, boy? Sam and I have been trying to get a hold of you for days."_

"I know, Bobby. It's just I needed to get away. I can't do this anymore, Bobby. I quit. I'm done."

"_The hell you talking about, Dean? Where are you?"_

"I mean what I said. I'm done. I quit. I'm tired of all this Bobby. I'm tired of this life, and I'm just tired. It's over."

"_You listen to me now boy! What do you think Sam would say if he heard all this, hmm? You're his brother, how do you think he would feel?"_

"That's the thing… I just don't care anymore. I'm tired of trying to save people I don't know shit about and I can't even save those close to me. Bobby, I'm done."

He hung up before Bobby had a chance to answer back. He turned off his phone and threw in the back seat. As he took more swigs he could hear Bobby and Sam's voice in his head telling him if he kept drinking like this he was going to drink himself to death. For some reason this caused Dean to chuckle. Perhaps because he couldn't care less if he did drink himself to death, at least all this would be over then. All he really wanted was for this to be over with. He meant every word he said to Bobby about how he was done, and he quit.

He put the bottle down as he began to rethink his entire life. He thought about when Sam was first born, about his mother before she died, and about his father and how he gave his own life to save his son. Dean knew good and well it was his fault his father was dead. It was him that should have died back in that hospital, not his father. He thought about Sam leaving for Sanford and how he had to go get him when their father didn't come home. He thought about Ash, Ellen, Jo, and all the others he grew close to, but was unable to save. He then thought about Castiel and how his whole life he didn't believe angels could be real. The world was too full of evil for something as pure and innocent as Castiel to exist in it. Now that Castiel was gone that only proved Dean's point about the world more.

Dean got out of the car, grabbing the bottle of Jack. He looked up to the sky and held his arms out to his sides.

"Why! Why did you take him from me you sons of bitches! Damn it Cas just … just come back already. I need you! You hear me Castiel? You get your feathery ass down here." He yelled up at the sky and waited for an answer he knew wouldn't come. "Come Cas give me a sign you're there! Anything! Just do something!" Again he waited for an answer he knew wouldn't come. He ran his fingers through his hair and took a gulp of Jack. "Son of a bitch!" He yelled, tears rolling down his face. He threw the half empty bottle on the ground watching as it shattered.

He walked over to the trunk and opened it looking over all the different types of guns he carried in there. He wiped the tears away only to have more take their place. He reached for a hand gun he carried and looked down at it. Was he really going to do this? There he was in the middle of nowhere, tears rolling down his cheeks thinking of putting a bullet in his head.

He took a deep inhale of air as he slowly lifted the gun pressing it firmly to the side of his head, his finger reasting on the trigger. He shut his eyes and was close to pulling the trigger when heard a car pull up from behind him, and a voice he knew all too well call his name.

"Dean? Dean what the hell are you doing?" The voice asked getting out of the car.

He opened his eyes, took the gun from his head and glanced back to see his brother running at him, a worried look on his face.

"Dean! Please don't do this! Dean STOP!" Sam yelled as he ran for his brother.

Smiling softly Dean shut his eyes again. "I'm sorry… I guess I'm not the person you thought I was. I love you, Sammy." He whispered as he took his last inhale of breath before he pressed the end of the barrel to his head again. Smile still on his face he turned his head back facing forward, finger pulling the trigger.

Everything seemed to play out in slow motion in front of Sam as he watched the body of his older brother fall to the payment, a bullet hole in the side of his head, blood trickling from it and running down the side of his head onto the road.

"…DEAN!" Sam yelled as he reached his brother, tears flooding his eyes, running down his cheeks. He knelt down next to his brother's lifeless body picking it up holding him in his arms. "Dean…" He said as he cried over the body.

Back at the house Bobby was in the kitchen making a drink before getting back to work. Once finished he took a gulp and headed back into the study taking a seat behind the desk setting the glass down in front of him. Reading over to a pile of books he picked up the top one to continue his research. Not long after he started his cell went off alerting him of a new incoming message. Closing the book he reached over onto the desk and grabbed his phone flipping it open.

_You have received 1 new message. Read now?_

_From: Sam_

_Date: 3/15_

_Time: 06:30pm_

… _Bobby … I … I found Dean... He's … dead. Dean is … dead. He shot himself…_

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><p>This is the first SPN fic I have ever wrote.<p>

I think I did an okay job.

/pokerface


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